News From Knoxville; the Fiftieth Sweatiest City in the Country

We’ve done it! We made the top 100 cities list in something. We are the fiftieth sweatiest city in the United States of America. We moved up 7 spots in just one year. And I think I know the people responsible.
Nationally it seems there were only 51 sweaty cities in the U.S. in 2002, but that number nearly doubled by the very next year. The number of sweaty cities has held steady at 100 every year since 2003, with cities moving up and down in standings, and on occasion, being replaced by a new city. Currently the city to beat is Phoenix, Arizona. Last year, Phoenix ranked third, and the year before, first.
A French reporter on hearing the news from America simply remarked, “Amateurs,” and then shook his head in digust. “In my country we have sweaty cities all over, and you have never hear a news about this. But, when U.S. and Bush sweat, all the world know it.” When asked what the U.S. could do to boost the number of sweaty cities, he replied, “Wear wool for clothing, eat spice foods, bathing is no good for the sweat, and, o yes, get rid of Bush and put Howard Dean in charge, then you sweat much.”
When asked about the stagnating number of sweaty cities, President Bush remarked, “We’re getting there. We just have to become accustumated to the stench. People don’t like bad smells, when a flatulenient person poots they clear the room, but we need to stay on message, and let the people know that they’re a part of something, something big. Something that will make the cheese in the moon smell like a springtime breeze. Something that, that, uh, stays on message. It takes hard work, and we’re working hard, doing the hard work. I know what my detractionators are saying, that I ‘don’t have the stuff to get this country perspiritioning’, but they’re wrong, I do have the stuff. It’s here in my pocket.” With that the President walked out of Don Pablo’s, flashed a jalapeno pepper, winked and grinned.
Note: I’m a Bush fan, voted for him, love him, think he’s doing a great job, and I don’t want to talk politics.

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